Monday, 25 December 2006

• preparing my eyes...
  I quote rdx913:  "Dear Jesus, Please make me excited and ready for Urbana."

  I should be sleeping right now.  I drive down tomorrow for Urbana '06 in the STL.  But I felt I needed to do a pre-write.  After blogging just once in the last semester, writing seems foreign to me.

  After Urbana '03, I wrote the following:
  " God, I prayed that I would see Your Kingdom in my life. In the lives of those around me. God, you said...no, you decreed...that the harvest was here, the fields are ripe, all you needed was the workers. God, I prayed that you would show me that harvest. You. Lord of the Harvest. King of Kings.
  I wanted to see you in my life. But more than that, I wanted to see you in the lives of my friends.  My peers. 20,000 strong in just a glimpse of heaven.
  And God, you proved yourself altogether wonderful, altogether worthy.
  ...
  Lift up your eyes. His Kingdom is here. Do NOT be afraid, do NOT run away. The mountains are made low, the valleys are lifted up. Look. The field is ripe and the workers are coming. NOW is the time!"
  Where are my eyes now?

  I like this word - "urbana".  It means "of the city" or maybe even "mother of all cities".
  Three years later, I feel like I'm in such a different place.  I live in the very definition of urban: Manhattan, New York City, East Coast of the USA.  I spend my time in law school supposedly learning how to be professional and urbane.  And three years later, my view of urbanity somersaults over and over again.
  Looking back, I seem to write a lot about cities.  St. Louis, NYC, Taipei, New Orleans.  I don't have to wait until spring break rolls around to see The City anymore.  I've tossed aside four years of hard sciences to pursue this "practical way" of "helping".  That's not being noble, it just means that I have no idea where this road is going.  It's so easy to get lost in the selfishness of social justice, to fight for the right in the name of altruism and a higher moral good.  Even when I'm trying to get my eyes set on the ripe fields, they tend to waver.
  Hmm.  it's not coming out right, but I'm just trying to say I don't know what I want this time around.  I don't know what I expect.  Part of me just wants to go through the motions, enjoy the worship, get inspired by the seminars, and hang out with old and new friends.  Another part of me screams out in anticipation of seeing God again.  of wanting to have an answer, a story, when someone asks, "What has God been doing in your life lately?"

  I went with Corangey to Sanctuary Covenant Church today.  I've been listening to Pastor Efrem's sermons online each week, and it's been great for me to hear a voice in my own City crying out for it.  Today's service was a Christmas one, and they had the usual pageantry and the singing.  But even through just a brief sermon, I think I'm beginning to refocus my eyes.  He told the Christmas story to us again, but not just the one about His birth.  It was the one about His life.  And when he bellowed out, "BEHOLD JESUS!", i sat frozen in my chair.  and when he whispered "Behold Jesus."...well, i still sat frozen.
  Urbana may be about missions and doing things and going out and all that.  But as I've been reading Ephesians in preparation, I think I want to and need to linger on the beholding, the seeing.  Ephesians 1:18 - "having the eyes of your hearts enlightened"; 2:7 - "he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace"; 3:9 - "to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God".
  and Ephesians 3:17-18 - that you (being rooted/grounded in love) may have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and the breadth and the length and the height and the depth ... and to know the love that surpasses all knowledge ... that you may be filled.  with all.  with all the fullness of God.

  My writing teacher from college, Ms. Stelmach, just published a book of poems this past year.  And I hope I'm not violating publishing laws or anything by posting this, but I've been reading it over and over, trying to resonate with the longing.  Her poems are meant to be read out loud...it's the only way to do them justice.  Anyway,
  

  Prayer

   

        Watch,

  as breath slips its gradient

  into and out

  of a slanted awareness:

  the pause at the base that says next

  (and terrifies) and must.

   

        Outside,

  all those seeds wanting -

  only wanting - in all those fields

  and lots and cracks of the abandoned, wanting

  what we want

  and that hard in all directions

  as a child wants, crying

   

        up and down

  as if flesh could crack open and this hurt,

  this hunger, could hook into something

  that will end in bigger

  or in bloom

  and lodge there,

   

       wanting

  only the next thing, the thing

  beyond

  that is so mad a hunger

  we call it

   

       for god

  call it endlessly

  nameless and thinner

  than nameless, and more

  and more fiercely,

  calling

  as if we'll crack open of pure

   

       wanting

  and meaning

  will bloom out in all

  directions, true, and the answer,

  and no,

  next thing will occur (like a terror)

  to us ever

   

      amen.
  
  ~Marjorie Stelmach
  

  
  P.S.  Luke 2:9, 16 - "and the glory of the Lord shone around them"..."and they went with haste".  Merry Christmas.
  P.P.S.  Pray for Ethiopia and Somalia.  Some of this is just gut-wrenching.

  Currently Reading A History of Disappearance: Poems By Marjorie Stelmach see related

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